Sun Won't Show Up

it's about damn time I stopped
trying to be so poignant, in fact
I might as well chuck my fancy words
out the window as I roll past all the shit
I thought was important.
black seems to fade over my eyelids anyhow
so why bother? see, today I drove right by
the hospital, while my therapist waited inside
for me to come cry on her shoulder.
or to learn some Healthy Coping Skills
or like, Stress Management
or whatever.
the thing is, I think I've decided
I'm not interested in health these days.
it takes a hell of a lot of work,
trust me, and I always end up
with tears running down my face in the end
no matter what Skills I use in the beginning.
and the nightmares
still wake me up every time, no matter
how many sleeping pills I take.
let's be real.
it's about damn time I stopped
trying to be literary, see,
I'm up to my knees in trash and memories
I wish I could throw away. sometimes
Nice Poems just don't show you that stuff.
yeah, I'd much rather toss out
all the pretty words I clung to for so long
like they'd pull me up out of my own psychoses.
it seems pretty stupid
when you really think about it.
seriously, think about it:
I spend all this time trying to kill my brain
with whiskey and weed and sex and Mood Stabilizers
and whatever else, because all I want is to stop feeling,
and then I sit in front of my computer
once the sun goes down, and I try
to type out all these Meaningful Poems
with intention and artistry and sincerity
for other people to read
(but nobody ever does, honestly)
and I fool myself into thinking it makes things better.
I fool myself into thinking that if I write enough words down,
the searing pain behind my eyes will finally dull
or my hands will stop shaking when I cry
or I will stop being a victim
or something.
I'm tired of all of it.
some days I just wanna
drive right past the hospital
and keep driving
and stop giving a shit
about whether or not some stranger
reads my blog.
everyone knows at the end of the day
we all end up falling into bed
and praying the sun
won't show up
tomorrow,
anyway.