This Is What It Is Like To Love Me

this is what it is like to love me:
I will push you harder
than I push anyone else
because I am afraid of you
and shoving you through the door
is better than you walking out

this is what it is like to love me:
my hands will shake as they reach for you
but I will feign disinterest
I will be cold to you
because I have to slow my heartbeat somehow
and you are so warm already

this is what it is like to love me:
you will be pedestal-high and shining
paper monuments will sing your name
I will thank you and follow you
but I will mistrust you and grow nervous
if you do the same for me

this is what it is like to love me:
I will need so much from you
I will suck the sap from your bones
and weep for your ruin
I am too large and unwieldy
I cannot be held

this is what it is like to love me:
I will not be safe or kind or soothing
I am all rough kisses and cigarette smoke
and getting drunk enough to tell you
how wonderfully uneasy you make me feel
you should know that I will hurt you

this is what it is like to love me:
you will lose yourself in some idea of me
I have been made into a hundred shapes before
and I can see the way you look at me
you think I have something worth giving
and you want it

the truth is that my arms are empty
and if this is what it is like to love me
then you should save yourself the trouble
and leave now, no matter
how many times
I ask you
to stay