14.

Bare feet against carpet, this bed in front of me is lifeless
Empty of bodies, the sauna steam that you still smell in your sheets
And mine is just plain, just plain.
Coldish bright and silent.
Yours had noise
Yours had all those softsweet secrets we wrote on the mattress,
Stitched into the fabric with mingled wisps of blood and thread
Now I stand all washed clean of you and bland.

Electric wires that we braided up my neck still send tiny shocks
Every few seconds, every time I read your words
Fighting hard to shake the mist of three days past from my face
And oh, I’m failing, failing
(And I’m smiling, smiling)
Watching shadows of you dance across my skin as I order my coffee,
As I brush my teeth and pass the TV
Who cares? you said and I must say I quite agree.

We turned our fear and pain into blurs outside the window
Of the cozy bullet train we boarded
Night-black steel and streamlined, our name across the front
And we wrapped up in constellation blankets and we drank cocoa
Your skin inside the roof of my mouth
My mind was all mountain slopes down your back in the bathtub
The ring of autumn orange I saw in your eyes
All shoulder blades and whispered gasps and peach fuzz.

What’s left, my dirty towels
A bed stands passive at my feet with you not hidden in it.
In the meantime, I can mold a pillow into arms like yours
And write some verses in my head that sound a little bit like
You painting my name on my lips with your fingers.
I can hear your footsteps coming.
Flower petals sleeping until spring,
I’ll wait here, I’ll wait here.

13.

I am oil and ink
Seeping through pores slickcrawling down my little neck skin
I am leaving grease marks on my clothes and in your hands
Vision blurred and blotted out
Teeth are cracked enclosed inside this lockjaw, I can hear them
Straw hairs fall by one by one by one
Landing on my shoulders and my nose and I just sit
And take a lazy inventory

Stained and dripping black like charcoal soot, breathe in
Coughing up octopus dye and clouds of shattered glass
Turn my head to smear what’s left against the pavement
I am a church forsaken doors still swinging
Vibrant windows now dissolving into pale and still
Hymnal books wiped clean each silent page
Weightless drifting in a brine that pushes at my limbs
In slowest motion, closing eyelids to oncoming ice

I am I am I am
Fine

I am harboring a twisted gumstuck heart
Pumping tar and resin into swollen veins
Gluing up intestines sticky stomach acid turned to wax
Everything is losing steam
Everything is falling out
Lungs grasp feeble almost-breaths constrict
Like coiling pythons numbed and blueish mouth neck ribcage waist
My lips are leaking sea salt water

But skin holds oceans without breaking
I am a circus tent with monsters bloating fabric thin
Stitch it up into a dress that’s faded frayed
Around my waist and draining of its color
Bleeding some old shade of blue all down the front
Come and drink the salt I breathe
The ashy smell inside my mouth
I am eggshell white and vapor vanishing

I am I am I am
Fine

I am
Fine

I am
Fine

I am
Fin e

I a m
F in e

I ami
a m
F fi
n

e

.

Eve After The Apple

Daddy I’m sorry I am, I tore my dress on thorn strewn branches, all these flower petals falling on my shoulders
I brush the cinders off my crooked teeth but no I wouldn’t tell you why, no I would not, oh and you’d love to hear me talk about my sweaty crumpled panties wouldn’t you, wouldn’t you
That look you give me
That look, look, look
Look, I’m a teenaged slut and you’re taking out the trash

No no, it really isn’t fair it isn’t ever fair is it, I wouldn’t say it you wouldn’t hear it, and I guess I went and did something stupid didn’t I, didn’t I
yes Daddy I did blood stain my pretty white laced skirt
I’m sorry, I knew you wanted me to wear it for Easter but
it looks like I’m too gone for God now here and He saw the juice run down my chin and I just smiled didn’t I, didn’t I (only I wish I could say Mama 'cause a She god sure as Hell wouldn’t blame me for a little apple slice)

Either way I look too gone for God but not for golden idol streetlights and cigarette butts into ashtrays are my alters, yes
Cloudy little wisp of smoke me
(or maybe more like fat snake slithering through desk chairs and knocking over the Good China oh dear, did I do that?)
My poor knees, I think it's growing pains you said or it might be the weight of that secret I kept up between or maybe I spread them too far...
Oh yes and I’m sorry Daddy, Daddy, I did stain that white little dress, won’t you buy me a new one?

I should have bitten my tongue until it bled or sewn my lips with purple thread, and I should have I should have done a great many things but I didn’t
and I bet you look good with those hips in a circle Adam, oh, I bet
I bet you’ve looked looked good take a good long look because baby needs her spotlights, heaven knows
Okay I tripped over my own toes, I did, I skipped the cops and maybe I grabbed his leg but
The stars seem explosive when you’re drinking trees and toxins together from one jug don’t they, don’t they
And I just let my hair grow past the floor, let it grow right past the floorboards and in with braided flowers leaky pipe roots twisted and someone’s broken bottle glass, I did
Oh but Daddy I can’t twist it up for church now can I, can I

Bless me Father for I have skinned my knees on carpet writing love songs to the wrong end, I shouldn’t have shouldn’t have, and I got blood on my clean little skirt and I shouldn’t have, I know you bought me that nice white sheet and I promise I still wear my bobby socks with ruffles on the lip
Yes yes, they still match my saddle oxford shoes only I’ll have to rub that little red droplet off...
But Daddy oh I did, I brushed my skin caught little red droplets rolling down my leg drip apple juice right on my ankle and I tasted them didn’t I, didn’t I touch them to my tongue
Red apple rich sweet honey and I just skin smirk stroked and smiled didn’t I
Didn’t I kiss the bosom borne fruit, didn’t I
Didn’t I bite a dozen more
Didn’t I
Didn’t I