11.

I am writing so, so much and so many stories about you here
in the elevator,
down the staircase,
with the doors locked,
against that bookshelf,
I feel your sweat holding me down and I can’t make my legs sit still. You were something I never expected, & again & again & again, how did we even get here?
And oh, I would like to go again & again & again
Your breath, I ache

My cigarette mouth tastes black & ashy a faint trace of
your skin against my lips
I meant what I said last night, I really do shiver &
Every scene now is filtered hazy & remembering kicking off the bed sheets &
covering our mouths with our necks
You have no idea how you look to me.

Come over here, baby, and remind me why
I am still writing your name down on paper
I’ll make you go numb if you make me forget the rest
we can drown together, in a torrent of hot breath and the
raindrops I chase down your back
we can spit out our names and make new ones

I hope you’ve read the word I’ve written between every line,
just get your teeth ready again, honey
Just stretch your arms out and I’ll be your warm blanket
Just lie down here, relax
I’ll take it all away
I’ll do it all for you

10.

You’re not it, you’re not it, you’re not it, you’re not it.
I forget that every single time I open my eyes.
It’s easy to get mixed up when your hair smells so sweet, when you’re everywhere I look even though it’s like this.
I heard about him.
Reality sets in, it’s not just yes to your boyfriend, it’s no to me.
And now it’s hello to some other schmuck.
I’m looking through his pictures right now & hating myself for it, for every minute of it. Looking for pictures of you in pictures of him.
I get my wish & I hate myself for every minute of it. You’re laughing. I want to punch him in the fucking face.
He never did anything to anyone.
I want to take him by the ears and scream at him,
Tell him exactly what you told me & there’s no way he can give you what I could give you
and you didn’t even want it
What the fuck does that even mean.
You want to love me better.
You’re hurting yourself.
I’m fuming.
What if I want right now? What if I want right fucking now?

Now I hate those goddamn words I wrote.
I hate them because they scared you, and you know that I know. You know that I see it in your hunched shoulders every time you spot me walking toward you. You can’t hide & you didn’t even try to. You know what a coward you are. Yeah, you.
Why did I have to be so nice.
And you pulled at my shirt that night, that night you stood there & you pulled my shirt and I was just trying to get a beer and you looked up at me with those bullshit eyes & you let my friends see me falter when you touched my stomach
and I said, I said I said, I wasn’t sure & I shuffled my feet.
We had broken up, we had, and I said I wasn’t sure.
Now I gave you what you wanted didn’t I? And now you’re with that fucking guy.
You pulled my shirt remember?
You pulled mine.
I wanted so badly to not need you, to not write cliché poems about you.
Well, fuck.

9.

Whisper that into my ear.
Don’t open your lips too wide
Tell me secrets that you wear under your dress, and what is left after you wasted your day
Touch your fingertips to mine
Touch your eyelashes to my skin
I look at my bare shoulder and I think about you, & you should have kissed it
Sit on my lap and make me want you
Want to grab your thighs and also to watch you closely in that moment right before you start crying
Tell me creepy, scary things about you
No one else wants to know
and you think that I don’t either
Tell me even though you think I’ll run away
Be terrified
I want you to.
Get caught up, sucked under
Take that risk

8.

Strange how some things die
How grayish hollow boxes were computers a few years ago
Wire veins spilling twisted out
Bad movies get anticipated & then watched & then forgotten
Songs written and never listened to
Links, links, links, links, clicked once
T-shirts become trash
We think of living things
We think of cats dying
Even as we walk & we leave carcasses trailing after us spilling out of our pockets and stranded on the sidewalk
Empty snail shells
Empty drinking cups
Empty chairs
Stuff that doesn’t really matter that much
I’m philosophizing about junk
But I think about the things we forget sometimes & how there’s more to remember than we usually realize

7.

Pretty girl with dreads walks by.
Peeks around a bookshelf.
The hem of her skirt makes my fingers itch like typewriter keys make me want them, except her dress was plaid and cotton and she looked right past me. Green-shirted me.
We could have picnics in that dress,
Both wear it sometimes,
My moccasins don’t match it but you could teach me how to walk like you and wear those glasses if you saw me in the right lighting.
My green shirt looks pretty good too.
But I bet she’s straight like every other girl I meet, and then my friends call me a vulture for asking that freshman if she was gay Saturday night.
I want more boots & I want people to call me a dyke, does that answer your question?
We are black letters punched onto paper, you&I
We are supposed to sit close and create things like words
We are knitted like knobbly white thread woven into a sweater that I wear for comfort.
I want to break your heart.
I want to make you shake.

6.

My thumbs are all bloody
Usually I spend too much time thinking of reasons to shred up the skin around my nails
started it in tenth grade when I cheated on him
in front of him, too
My fingers all over this other guy’s back slapping him in the face with it every time he walked by
He hated it
I ripped my thumbs half open that night

Strange the things I think about while I’m listening to Lauren Bacall’s voice.
Strange how Humphrey Bogart holds her throat real tight while he kisses her
they always seem to hold thin little necks down as they push lips onto them
Say shut up & cover red mouths
red blood thumbs
Say baby, why don’t you pour me another whiskey

We could just blame it all on Eve, I guess

5.

I don’t really care that much where we go but I’ll go with you
As long as you drive that shitty car.
I’m in love with you.
All of these poems are for you,
I should maybe write that paper tonight like I told myself I would
But the sunlight is making me think about you
I don’t know why
I miss the 3 a.m.s that my friends stayed up with me and we were all on our computers and we made each other’s stomachs ache from laughing
Back when you weren’t really a big deal
I’m not sure how it got this way.