10.

You’re not it, you’re not it, you’re not it, you’re not it.
I forget that every single time I open my eyes.
It’s easy to get mixed up when your hair smells so sweet, when you’re everywhere I look even though it’s like this.
I heard about him.
Reality sets in, it’s not just yes to your boyfriend, it’s no to me.
And now it’s hello to some other schmuck.
I’m looking through his pictures right now & hating myself for it, for every minute of it. Looking for pictures of you in pictures of him.
I get my wish & I hate myself for every minute of it. You’re laughing. I want to punch him in the fucking face.
He never did anything to anyone.
I want to take him by the ears and scream at him,
Tell him exactly what you told me & there’s no way he can give you what I could give you
and you didn’t even want it
What the fuck does that even mean.
You want to love me better.
You’re hurting yourself.
I’m fuming.
What if I want right now? What if I want right fucking now?

Now I hate those goddamn words I wrote.
I hate them because they scared you, and you know that I know. You know that I see it in your hunched shoulders every time you spot me walking toward you. You can’t hide & you didn’t even try to. You know what a coward you are. Yeah, you.
Why did I have to be so nice.
And you pulled at my shirt that night, that night you stood there & you pulled my shirt and I was just trying to get a beer and you looked up at me with those bullshit eyes & you let my friends see me falter when you touched my stomach
and I said, I said I said, I wasn’t sure & I shuffled my feet.
We had broken up, we had, and I said I wasn’t sure.
Now I gave you what you wanted didn’t I? And now you’re with that fucking guy.
You pulled my shirt remember?
You pulled mine.
I wanted so badly to not need you, to not write cliché poems about you.
Well, fuck.