132.

these days I've noticed I am dewdrop tears
on my own petal cheeks as often as I am
kitten-curled in my own bed, warm and happy
and sometimes I am both at once

like today, when I am searching my lungs
for breath, unable to find it and gasping
even as there is slide guitar music
playing behind my ears, and
in a moment I am smiling

and then remembering back to last week when
I was hurling broken sobs hard into a pillow
backed into a corner (on purpose)
waiting to wake up from another flashback

or this week when I picked a little beetle
off my skin in the night, in half a nightmare
and found it dead in my sheets the next morning

and then I look up and there are still
yellow-specked leaves sighing outside
my window, and I am shaking
hands with the sunlight

I do not know how to reconcile
the way night holds me underwater sometimes with
the feeling of waking up clean and well-slept
and how both can happen in the same 24 hours

and how I have become the kind of day
when you can see the sun and the moon
at the same time, in the same sky