Hindsight Will Kill You

go back and look at old pictures of yourself
the ones where you were thinner
wore tighter clothing and lighter makeup
flip through them like an addict with an itch
go through old pictures remind yourself
of when you were much thinner, made of much less
more wisp and less hips and you were
so much happier then, weren't you?
back when you could fit into those shorts just
to watch dark hands peeling them off without asking
go look at the pictures of yourself from all the times
you leaned your head on cold shoulders
and took selfies with selfish assholes
go back through those pictures
try to give yourself a reason
to hate where you are today
because yesterday was so much better, wasn't it?
back when your fists held bottles
of pills in the morning and liquor at night
and your waist was so much smaller from all the
sucking-it-up you had to do to survive
go through those pictures of parties you don't remember
and partners you wish you could forget
breathe in the bile that rises in your throat
every time you see what you used to look like
lose your breath and catch it again
when you remember that you threw out your road map
and convince yourself that you are so much worse off now
because you wake up without a headache these days
and your lover is kind and your lungs breathe freely
and you have a place to live and a steady income
and more of a shot at happiness than you have ever had
and more fear twisted into your gut than you have ever felt
go look at those old pictures and find a reason
to turn this good life into a prison
remind yourself that you wouldn't have to be so
terrified of tomorrow if you went back in time
and lost the weight
and started drinking again
and slept around some more
and quit your job
maybe you'd be better off, because
at least you'd be comfortable, right?
at least you'd know
what to expect