44.

I watched the moon and mused last night
I think
I just get sad sometimes

I hear my fingers dripping threads of rain
and pooling at my feet
wonder whether my eyelashes are real
and memories are gone
so what remains

silver beads of sweat along my arms and legs
I could say it was beautiful
but
I just get sad sometimes

and sunset orange turns to gray
what shone before is now caked with dirt
what sang now sleeps
and where have my daydreams gone

I feel my flowers drooping
nodding quietly and slinking
stems browning at the ends
leaves crinkle sideways

I watched four days roll past the window
no words to offer them
no effort
nothing real
nothing golden
because
I just get sad sometimes

Sinister Kid

check out these radical scars on my arms
all this gnarly blood between my elbows
isn’t it cool?
isn’t it cool?

god-damnit, I said look at me
look at what I’ve done
I cut myself all up for you
put my metallic tang on your tongue

and it’s bitter, isn’t it

yeah, I’m the girl who fucked the rules
who chugged the booze and kissed the morning sky goodbye
good morning, apathy
another day rolls by
another opportunity to break my knees

sure, blame it on my diagnoses
call it a name and feed it some pills
put Vaseline on my scrapes and walk away
I dare you

I’ve got heat left in my mouth from the skin it’s sucked
bruises on my wrists still from the ties that bound me
look how I ruined my Sunday clothes
look how I smeared my lipstick
showing up to church hung over again

fuck what you have to say

my halo’s broken anyway

Emily

I watched her feet play tricks on the yielding grass below
Dancing atop each blade
Toeing the flower petals where they lay
I watched her braid daisies into necklaces for us to wear
Pouring silver starshine into lily cups when the sun fell
Delicate wings unfolding from between her shoulder blades
Fluttering slightly every other moment
I watched her pull the moonbeams here and there for spotlights
Teach the spiders to weave
I watched her celebrate
Drawing circles with her breath in my hands
Painting murals on her skin with the morning dew
Saplings nodding at her approach
Toads and badgers nipping at her tiny ankles
I watched her blossom slowly
Sunrise yellow and blue
I watched her spin my skin into a thousand sparkling rivers

Viola

She strung the curves of her body and began to play
Pouring forth frothy golden melodies and fine spun silk from her hips and breast
Weaving tapestries of luminescent green from strands of her hair
Rich baritone and clear birdsong alike wafted on her breath
Hollow carvings swept along her waistline
Thin and tenuous strings followed the slope of her neck
No fingers but hers could coax such music from beneath her skin
She was no accompaniment
She was a symphony
And no fingers but hers,
No fingers but hers

43.

I was not afraid,
no, I was not afraid
tonight
to walk back home alone
at 2 am without you

no

I was wrapped inside
this lavender haze
of kisses grins and puppy eyes
and wine
yes,
plenty plenty of that wine

which ties us closer
than we realize we
could be ever
yes, before

no, I was not afraid
to walk back home alone

I was floating far too high
above myself
and buoyed by your touch
above the sidewalk
drifting on your love
above the ground

cliché, cliché
yes, I know that this is
perfectly cliché

and perfectly
I am okay
and yours

oh,
oh.
and I am
yours.

Wash

I’d like to take a bath in candle wax but
I’d like to sit here with my dirty hair
and tell you you’re pretty

everything sounds like I’m drugged out
echoes pressing plastic wrap waves in my ears
everyone reads these poems, god knows why.

I’d like to just be
washed
washed
washed
bathed and cleansed and sung to

and swaddled

bring me your salts and back scrubbers
the suds to make me bright
the subtle cloths you’ll graze across my skin
bring me my rebirth

open my bones enough to peek inside
figure out what’s fluttering wildly
figure out what’s missing in there
figure out what’s broken

take it out and wash it
put it back inside
seal me up

repair me, my melancholy lover
mend my emptiness
and make me clean

Eulogy

what happened to our hearts
where went my aliveness
my dead is all that remains

so many dewdrops flushed down the plumbing
so many kisses ripped off our lips
cheap Velcro in the garbage

I’m just trying to be honest
lovely you
I promise

something curled between us and perished
slowly, cancerous and fading
its ghost still coming back to sting us

but once we were free
isn’t that right?
did I imagine this all?

once we were fresh and reckless
all cigarette smoke and tinkling bells
free beer in the moonlight

we must be out there somewhere still
perhaps someone new picked us up
changed our names

perhaps a teenager is using us for his own
for a time, until he dies, too
and then the three of us will float away again

at least we’re being resurrected somehow
by young people with pink fingers
we were young once together

and I am sorry this is what we have made of us.