hoping the sludge in your intestines will seep out
and stay away
the feeling is like this:
tears cannot pull enough gray water out of your eyes
to cleanse you
and you know you have always been this way
black jet planes flying under your radar
biochemical warfare raging in your gut
and your childhood self has been underground all these years
holding her hands over her ears
as the bomb shelter shudders
you tell yourself, I can just paint my nails yellow
I can just roll the car windows down
the yellow sun will chase this bone-deep chill away
but you wake up with your head in a vice again
no matter how many sunburns you give yourself
it is still cold in your apartment
you are so tired of existing inside this skin
folding and rolling and throwing new shadows on the wall
this belly that cannot be tamed
you pump your hands over your chest a little too hard
begging your heart to wake up
to send love letters to your hands and feet
and you wait for the day
when the yellow sun will spark a flame under your scalp
and your hair will catch fire
it may not be today
but you tell yourself
that the summer will warm you up sooner or later
it has to.
just hold out a little longer.
